I saw a Facebook Fan Page club called “I Wouldn’t Have Given You My Number If I Knew You Were This Annoying”, and they have over 312,000 fans!  Here is a quick link for your entertainment: http://tinyurl.com/y235bfq

I look at the comments on that Facebook page and it would seem people have no control over their lives at all, when in reality this is certainly something that can be controlled.  Ok, so who gets the phone number and who doesn’t?  Reminds me of the Seinfeld episode when Elaine wonders who is “sponge worthy” or not, haha.  Truthfully, you must have some level of due diligence before you give your cell number to a stranger. 

Okay, so I recently had a client who basically dared me to get the phone number of the next attractive woman that crossed our path while we sat in Rittenhouse Square.  His request, unfortunately, wasn’t an uncommon one from many of my male clients- many want to see “if” I can do it.  Much to his surprise, I responded: “What business would any woman have giving me, a complete stranger, her phone number??”  It seems to most men, getting a woman’s phone number is a trick, as if I know a fast acting hypnosis that just convinces women to give me their number against their own will.  It’s also apparent many men don’t want to do a little work- like actually earn her interest and respect by taking interest in her.  I explained to my client that you need to have an engaging conversation with a woman first, before you even think of asking for her number.  You must demonstrate you have a genuine interest in her, her passions and her life experiences.  There has to be a connection.  When she’s comfortable, and you’ll be able to tell by her “buy” signals through her body language, you have the ‘green light’ to ask for her number. 

Let’s say I did, somehow, get the phone number of a beautiful woman I just met a few mintues ago.  What did I really walk away with?  I don’t know anything about her at all, nor does she know me- so where’s the common ground?  Guys who collect phone numbers are typically pickup artists who look at women like objects, like trophies.  This is true because they never had an interest in knowing the woman from the very beginning.  The pickup artist was just chasing women based upon their good looks, and his prize was the phone number.  What’s he going to do with this number?  Even if he does call her, what’s he going to talk with her about? 

Women, if you are freely giving your number out to men who sell you the sizzle, but don’t share the steak- you’re getting fooled.  Ask yourself- is this guy really interested in getting to know me because he’s looking for a meaningful relationship, or is he just chasing me based upon my looks, or sex appeal?  Also, take mind to how much time he actually invested in the conversation before he asked you for your number- this should clue you in to his intentions as well.   One of the reasons I suggest women, and men, try to find their dates in their daily routine is because you’re going to run into the same local people again and again over time.  You can meet a man and just chat with him one week, then see him again and pick up where you left off.  After a couple good conversations exchanging phone numbers seems like part of a logical progression. 

Once in a while it’s very appropriate to ask for a woman’s phone number during a first encounter if a strong connection was established during your conversation.  For example, I was about to reach for some bagged frozen strawberries at Whole Foods when an attractive woman beat me to it- and she grabbed three bags too!  She was wearing some workout gear, so I immediately knew those strawberries were for her protein shake.  I only know this because I do the same thing- instead of using ice cubes, I use frozen berries.  So, when I asked her: “So, what other berries do you like to use in your protein shake?” she shot me a look of surprise with a nice smile.  That one question revealed a lot about me and my lifestyle- it also demonstrated I’m witty and quick on my feet.  We spent the next ten minutes talking about exercising, the beach, and our life philosophies.  Getting her phone number was just a natural progression.

Guys, if you’re going to ask a woman for her phone number, ask yourself if you gave her good reason enough to give it to you- you don’t deserve her number because you were “cool” for the 5 minutes you spent with her.  Ladies, when a man asks you for your number, try to interpret their true intentions.  If he spent very little time with you, and most of the conversation he spent complimenting your looks and talking about the weather- take a pass.

Patrick Coleman, the Philly Dating Coach, offers unique dating courses and dating advice to help single men & women in the Philadelphia area repackage themselves to maximize their chances of attracting the opposite sex and finding love.  Patrick may be reached at patrick@phillydatingcoach.com for any inquiries regarding his dating coaching programs on www.phillydatingcoach.com  Twitter: PhillyDateCoach

Before I go anywhere with this blog, I don’t think there is such a thing as a woman who is “out of my league.”   I don’t choose women based on looks alone, unlike most men who place great emphasis upon a woman’s physical appearance.  I know exactly what I want in a woman, and what she looks like is just part of the equation, it doesn’t dominate the equation.  Maybe this is why I lack any approach anxiety at all- I have a deep interest in learning more about how a woman thinks, how she feels, what really interests her in life, and more importantly: can she compliment me and even improve me as a person. 

Most men think attractive women are different on the inside, so they attempt to treat them differently and this is where they go wrong.   They also think beautiful women have different decision making processes than other women when in reality they all share the same DNA.  Women are attracted to confidence, they want a leader with a winning attitude- they don’t think “good looks” is nearly as important as finding a confident, authentic man. 

Ok, so now that I’ve reiterated what I’ve said many times in the past, why is it some men can’t handle the beautiful women they have?  I’ve seen some very average looking men with absolutely beautiful women- good for them!  Unfortunately the men then sabotage the relationship because they feel insecure about her looks.  Simply put, some men can’t handle being with beautiful women “outta their league.”   If you can’t handle being with a beautiful woman, then find a woman you can handle because she deserves your healthy attention, and doesn’t deserve your constant insecurity.  Is this what she sigend up for when she initially met you??  I’ve had men confess to men that they spend a lot of time wondering what their model-like girlfriend is doing every second of the day.  “Are men hitting on her all day?”  Or they say: “They way she dresses gets her so much attention, I wonder if she’s really interested in me, or just trying to get the attention of other men.”  Some men even break down enough to tell me: “Sometimes I think she might be too hot for me, so I’m not sure why she’s with me at all.”   Can you believe real “men” said these things??

I think a lot of these men initially attracted, or actually fooled, their beautiful women by just appearing to be the “confident man”- when in reality they are men who are not so certain about themselves at all.  The woman thinks she sees the “confident” man, she becomes attracted to him, and then agrees to date him.  The fraud of a man actually fooled her into a relationship, but it all unravels later when his own insecurities eat at him- he still thinks “looks” have a lot to do with attraction, and thinks he’s not good looking enough for her.  Or he realizes he buried himself so deep in his own bullshit, that she’s ultimately going to find out he’s a fraud.  Suddenly the ‘tough guy’ facade crumbles, and he’s reduced to the insecure worry wort of a guy who becomes obsessed with everything his girlfriend is doing.  Ultimately the guy stresses out, strokes out, and destroys the relationship, leaving the girl wondering “what happened to the cool, calm and confident guy I first met?”  The answer- He was never a cool, confident man- he just somehow happened to fool you with some fake swagger.

Guys, women aren’t trophies to win- so why are you treating them like objects?  If your goal is to land the hottest girl you can find to impress yourself, or impress your friends, then you’re an insecure guy looking for social approval- you’re looking for validation from your buddies who also bought into the same skewed value system you believe in.   If you’re not capable of handling a physically beautiful woman, then step aside and find a woman you can handle, or leave the dating scene entirely until you understand women aren’t objects.  “Know thyself” said Socrates- if your motives in life are to impress others or yourself, you’re not ready to take the lead in a relationship.

Don’t be one of those guys who mimic their favorite rap star, their favorite movie star, and strut around the bar with the fake swagger so many women can detect miles away.  Don’t be a fraud.  Try having a real conversation with a woman and taking a deep interest in their lives.  If you’re not interested in people’s life experiences, then you shouldn’t be dating- period.  Although at the end of the day, you will always attract what you are- like a mirror.  If you’re insecure, I can almost guarantee you will only attract an insecure partner, becuase the confident genuine people will see right through your BS. 

Patrick Coleman, the Philly Dating Coach, offers unique dating courses and dating advice to help single men & women in the Philadelphia area repackage themselves to maximize their chances of attracting the opposite sex and finding love.  Patrick may be reached at patrick@phillydatingcoach.com for any inquiries regarding his dating coaching programs on www.phillydatingcoach.com  Twitter: PhillyDateCoach

Here is more great advice from Ann Gruber, my go-to fitness guru.  Ann is part of my team here at PDC- to learn more about Ann, please visit “The Team” tab at the top of the screen.

The Mental Battle

Flipping through this month’s issue of Oxygen or Muscle & Fitness, women with perfectly sculpted arms and rippling abs adorn the pages, advertising this month’s latest scientific phenomenon that will magically transform us into a body of steel.  I have a love/hate relationship with these women.  I love them because they inspire me.  I hate them because they deflate me.  The ads fail to detail the hours of hard work these women have spent in the gym, the number of ice cream cones they have painfully bypassed, the high-calorie dinners out they have turned down and, not to mention, the mental commitments they have made to get the body they can proudly flaunt in the magazines.  Most of us have the desire to get that 6-pack, but become easily overwhelmed when faced with the challenges that come along with it, which inevitably derail us from our goals. 

What if we made the commitment to hit the gym and eat clean just for one day?  That feeling of accomplishment and good health upon going to bed at night might be enough to motivate us to get up and do it all over again the next day.  Just as in any major goal we set, the result does not happen overnight, yet small accomplishments can happen daily.  If your goal is to have a 6-pack that will make everyone in the gym do a double take, it will best be achieved by breaking it down into small, manageable steps.  Here are some tips on small goals you can set on a daily basis to help motivate you in the gym and outside of the gym. 

1.  Just for today….you can do anything just for one day.  When that alarm clock goes off in the morning, tell yourself “Just for today, I will stick to my diet and hit the gym.  Ice cream and the couch will still be there tomorrow.”
2. One rep at a time….in the middle of a set, when that burn is setting in and your mind starts to give you a million reasons why you should quit, just focus on one rep at a time – each rep counts and each rep is bringing you one step closer to your goal.
3. Hold the fat….waiting in line at Starbucks, you can practically taste that cheese pastry in your mouth, but are all those calories worth the 3, maybe 4, minutes of enjoyment that it will take you to down that fat trap?  Instead, play out the tape and recall how you will feel after eating that pastry – is the guilt worth it?  Just think how great you will feel bypassing the pastry and sticking with your coffee or nonfat latte.
4. Small pleasures….it’s important to have rewards sprinkled throughout your day – things that you enjoy and can look forward to that will replace the cookie or happy hour.  My favorite reward is coffee, but yours may be a small piece of dark chocolate, a pedicure, a new magazine or a hot bath. 
5. Attitude is everything….maintaining a positive attitude and a healthy thought process throughout the day will prevent the self-defeatist in you from sabotaging your efforts.  It is easy for us to tell ourselves that we are not strong enough or do not have the willpower that it takes to reach that level of fitness we so desire.  This is a lie that we tell ourselves so that we can throw in the towel.  A positive mental attitude is 80% of the battle in reaching your fitness goals.  Positive thoughts provide positive results.

Interested in working with Ann?  www.anngruber.com  Email her: anngruber@comcast.net   Call her to arrange a personal training session (267) 982-1233

Patrick Coleman, the Philly Dating Coach, offers unique dating courses and dating advice to help single men & women in the Philadelphia area repackage themselves to maximize their chances of attracting the opposite sex and finding love.  Patrick may be reached at patrick@phillydatingcoach.com for any inquiries regarding his dating coaching programs on www.phillydatingcoach.com  Twitter: PhillyDateCoach

Do you go through life wandering aimlessly?  Do you go to the grocery store without any inkling as to what you want and what you need?  You’re probably one of the many men that will swarm to any of the popular night clubs because that’s “where the women go.”  If you’re one of the many men that ‘follow’ the women, I can bet you barely know yourself, let alone what kind of woman you want or need.  If you don’t know what you want or what you need, you’re gonna come back with something, or someone, random.   Be honest- do you go to the bars, clubs, and pubs because that’s where the women go, and you just gotta go there?  You’re chasing, not attracting; you’re begging, not leading.  Remember, women want a confident man, a leader.

I’m not over simplifying, and don’t bother to argue with me that having a specific grocery list is very different than having an awareness, or even a list, of the qualities you want in a partner.  If you have no clue what you need in a man or woman, or what you really want, I can guarantee you will never hit the nail on the head.  Don’t be vague and tell me you want “someone who’s fun, intelligent, and good looking.”  I see that nonsense online all too often- that’s too general.  If you’re confused as to what you want, then you often get mixed results. 

In fact if you don’t know precisely what you’re looking for in a lover, you’re going to get a reflection of who you are at that point in your life.  Lemme explain.  An insecure man will somehow always find an insecure woman to approve and validate him.  The secure and confident women will be turned off by an insecure man- she’ll see it in the way he walks, and certainly in the way he talks- there’s no hiding insecurity.  Usually most men try to cover their insecurity with a fake swagger, a false bravado.  They go to the gym to build a manly outside, or seek shelter behind expensive clothes or a nice car, but it can never hide who they really are.  Even the pickup artists know not to hit on secure confident women because they will expose the pickup artist as a fraud.  You will always “attract” who you are.  If you are a woman looking to sleep with a man that night- you’re definitely going to find a man who was looking to do the same.  If you’re a very ‘needy’ person, you’re going to find someone who wants to feel ‘needed’.  

So, do you really know “who” you are?  To be honest, I didn’t till about 7 years ago.  I had to shake off all those insecurities, condemn all those beliefs that weren’t really mine, and come out of my old shell.  It can be painful, but very worthwhile.  So who are you really?  Do you really enjoy going to those clubs, or would you rather go to a quiet social setting where you can hold a better conversation.  Do you really like over drinking, or do you do it because everyone else you know does the same thing.  I found out a decade ago I’d much rather wake up at 6am to go surf some waves, but to do this I had to pick between going out late and drinking (unhealthy and not me) and enjoying a morning surf with good friends (good exercise too).   Since I’ve chosen to do what I really wanted to do, I found a whole new group of friends that coincidentally (not shocking) shared the same passions and beliefs.  I realized there were a lot of things that I needed to shake off, and about 7 years ago I truly became me.  Ever since, I’ve been a very confident and authentic man- I’m very secure in myself and I’m at peace with who I am, since I actually do know “who” I am.  Now listen to this: Since I know myself, I can absolutely tell you in great detail what qualities I seek in a woman; I know what I want and what I need.  I now ATTRACT women, and attract the kind of women I want and need; they see my confidence and they’re drawn to it.  I can then choose from the women I attract, the woman that suits my needs and wants.  Don’t you want the same opportunity? 

So, are you WHO you want to be yet?  Or are you living out someone else’s life?  Once you have uncoverd the real you, and you’ve embraced who you really are, “attracting” women will become 2nd nature.  Women will see the confidence in your walk, your talk, and your overall body language.  You will also have a clear understanding of what you are looking for in a woman, and be able to list those qualities in detail because you know what you want, and you know what you need.  What’s best is the clarity you will have in life- you will see everyday as an opportunity to meet new people, and you’ll know exactly what and who you want.

Don’t go wandering aimlessly through life- you’re just going to get random results.  Break free from the ‘others’ and discover yourself- embrace who you are and enjoy the clarity that comes with it.  I only want you to get the most out of your life- don’t waste it trying to impress others, or being someone else.

Patrick Coleman, the Philly Dating Coach, offers unique dating courses and dating advice to help single men & women in the Philadelphia area repackage themselves to maximize their chances of attracting the opposite sex and finding love.  Patrick may be reached at patrick@phillydatingcoach.com for any inquiries regarding his dating coaching programs on www.phillydatingcoach.com  Twitter: PhillyDateCoach

Fun Wave Takeoff in NW, NJ

Okay, so I took a few days off from my blog, and my clients- if you’d like to know what I was doing, see the pic in my post.  I needed some down time, and as always, I have to get my weekly surf in too!

Anyway, let’s continue with One Man’s Night Out.  As promised, in this article I wanted to address my character’s thoughts and provide incite to my readers- both men & women.  Most men indeed think the way my character thinks which puts him at a great disadvantage when looking to find an attractive woman.

Location Location Location.  It doesn’t seem that my character is very comfortable at the cocktail lounge, does he?  Though I’m sure he, like many other men, consistently return to their local watering hole or popular club to meet women.  Why? Because everyone else goes to these popular places.  But the question is never asked: “Is this a place where I can be comfortable, and therefore exude a natural confidence that acts to attract women?”  Most men just go to these places to ‘pickup’ women, which is more like chasing if you ask me.  I, for example, am not much of a drinker or even dancer, and I don’t feel comfortable surrounding myself with people who dress like they’re on the next episode of “Jersey Shore”, so you won’t find me at a popular club, especially late at night.   Since I am a great conversationalist who can talk about many different things, I tend to go to places where good conversations can take place.  I’m also an authority when it comes to the beach life- I’m an avid surfer, freediver, and spearfisher- so I am much more comfortable on the beach when it comes to meeting women.  I have great confidence, natural confidence, when I’m at any of my comfort places.  Where are your comfort places?  Read more here: http://phillydatingcoach.com/2010/02/the-beach-wholefoods-and-my-local-cafe/

Don’t Stare, Don’t Be Creepy.  My character stands against the wall with beer in hand staring at women- very creepy.  It’s okay to walk into a room and survey the crowd, but after a while you become the ‘guy that stares’.  Would the Brad Pitt in “Fight Club” stand against the wall, eyeing up women all night?  It becomes evident to everyone in the room who the confident men are and who the insecure men are- just by observing their body language and their actions.  If you see a woman you’re attracted to, be definitive and directly approach her.  Just approach a woman with a smile and start a conversation based upon an observation, or something happening in the moment.

Women’s Values.  Women value confidence over good looks- every single time.  Good looks can be part of the equation, but are not a major part of the decision making process.  Men, on the other hand, are very visual animals- our eyes steer us towards those we are physical attracted to.  Women use their eyes as well, but they look for physical indications of your confidence and authenticity: do you look frightened, hesitant, do you walk with your head down, or your chest out?  Men, you need to learn this to be true- the moment you accept this is the day you gain more confidence to approach women you find attractive.  My character stands against the wall, and slyly moves about the lounge, side stepping and hiding behind others- is this confidence?  Also notice that my character is attracted to the physical attributes of the women he’s admiring.  Most men ‘pick’ who they want to talk with based upon looks- most men even make the mistake that attractive women must be approached differently than other women they are not attracted to.  Speak to women in their 30’s, 40’s, 50’s and you’ll see that most women think similarly, and are quite easy to chit chat with if you can approach them with something relevant and intriguing.

Women: The Girls’ Night Out Conundrum.  Ladies, if you are having a girls’ night out, and you’re single be aware that many men have their eyes on you.  Most men (not me) will hesitate to approach a group of women out of fear of group rejection.  The best way to have a Girls’ Night Out and still appear to be available, is to create space and opportunity.  If you notice an attractive man, and wish to meet him but don’t want to catch flack from your girlfriends, break away from your group and head to the bar (for example) while maintaining eye contact with the man.  He will notice your interest, and want to meet you while you’re alone.  For more on this read: http://phillydatingcoach.com/2010/04/single-women-use-neutral-ground-to-attract-men/

Women: Rejecting Men Kindly.  Women, the opportunity to meet great men can be lost if you mistreat other men in public.  My character witnessed a horrible rejection by two women from a distance.  Granted, he wasn’t able to hear what was said, and he couldn’t possibly know he was a cheesy pickup artist that probably deserved to be shot down.  All my character sees is a harsh rejection.  If you are going to reject a man, take 2 minutes of your life to be kind and send him on his way without harm.  You don’t have to be friends, but you can be friendly.  It will serve you well when perhaps the right man, the man you didn’t notice in the corner of the room, witnesses a friendly rejection and decides it’s till okay to approach you.  The women in my story my have scared away some potential suitors; remember that men are very visual, and many will have their eyes on you during the night.  For more, read this: http://phillydatingcoach.com/2010/04/dating-tips-for-women-friendly-rejection/

Eavesdropping.  At the end of the story, my character is close enough to hear what the women are chit chatting about.  This offers a great opportunity to any man nearby.  My character even expressed a familiarity with the topic of conversation, however he failed in his approach because he changed the subject- never change the subject.  Good eavesdropping will always appear nonthreatening because you are making relevant contributions to the conversation.  This is an excellent chance to effortlessly become involved and make an introduction. 

Opportunities to meet singles are endless- just open your eyes.  Men, find those comfort places where you’re an authority on a matter and you’ll find that conversation comes quite easily, and confidence naturally comes with it.  Also be aware of your body language since both men and women rely on nonverbal communication to make decisions and judge others.  Men, you must learn that women are attracted to confidence and authenticity, not good looks and contrived conversation.  Women, be aware men are always watching you- learn that your body is constantly broadcasting signals that many men have trouble interpreting.  Learn to break away from your Girls’ Night Out group to find a neutral ground to give some men a chance to meet you.   Above all, understand that all single men and women are truly doing their best to find a connection- be kind to others who are merely looking for happiness in others.

Patrick Coleman, the Philly Dating Coach, offers unique dating courses and dating advice to help single men & women in the Philadelphia area repackage themselves to maximize their chances of attracting the opposite sex and finding love.  Patrick may be reached at patrick@phillydatingcoach.com for any inquiries regarding his dating coaching programs on www.phillydatingcoach.com  Twitter: PhillyDateCoach

Let me walk you through an average single man’s thoughts as he enters a social setting looking to meet a woman.  I’m hoping you will get a glimpse into how many single men think, especially those who have approach anxiety, and those still mystified by women.  Nonetheless, many men unwillingly throw themselves into an uncomfortable environment with nothing more than the hope that a conversation with an attractive women will somehow start itself.  Men, if you read this and can identify with my character’s actions and thoughts, then you need to rethink your approach to women, reconsider what you think you know about women, and frankly change your mindset.  Women, don’t worry- there is something in this for you too.  In Part II, I will examine the story below and provide valuable commentary and incite.

I’ll tell the story in first person, from the speaker’s point of view:

“I walk into the cocktail lounge around 11pm, and go right to the bar to order a drink- Ill stick to the bottled beer.  Beer in hand, I turn around to scan the room- I’m looking to see where the women are.  Maybe I can put myself within view of some women I find attractive.  I wanna be able to keep an eye on them, and give them a chance to notice me as well, but I don’t want to seem too aggressive, or like I have an agenda.  I suppose I’ll post myself against the wall, and watch some of the game on the big screen tv.   I definitely don’t want to commit to a bar stool, or a table- that’ll lock me in to that area only, and I have to be able to move around when necessary.  If I move around enough it will look like any encounter is a chance one.

Ok, I’ve been watching this game for about 2o minutes now, I’m definitely not meeting any women this way.  Now I’m going to relocate to the other side of the room and get a different perspective- I also want to get a better view of the door so I can see any woman that walks in the lounge.  I want to give her the chance to see me first too.  On the way I’ll check my BlackBerry to see if I got any texts- maybe I can invite a buddy to meet up with me- I always feel like I do better with a wingman.

Okay, there are some really cute women standing near the bar’s corner - looks like four of them talking story, having a good time.  Two of them are really cute; the blonde has a pretty face too, but the brunette has a great body.  Lemme sneek closer to get a better look- I’ll get another beer and then move closer without them noticing- I don’t want to make any direct approach, or get their attention.  Wow, the brunette and her friend have hot little bodies, and the one in the jean skirt has really sexy legs- I overlooked her earlier.  Actually all of them are really cute one way or another- I’m trying not to stare, but I can’t help but look several times every couple of minutes.  Maybe one of them will look my way, and invite me over?

Nobody has even made an attempt to talk with any of these women- maybe now’s my chance to go over and….say something.  Wait.  This is starting to look like women’s night out, or is it?  Hard to tell- seems like they’re all friends.  I should make my way over and say something, maybe introduce myself, or say something funny I guess.  But what?  Trying to meet a woman when she’s with her friends can be really brutal- maybe I should hang back.

Oh wait, there’s a guy approaching two of them now- I can’t quite hear what the conversation is about.  Damn, I should’ve made my way over earlier.  Looks like he’s doing a lot of talking…but the two girls aren’t smiling at all.  Uh oh, looks like the two women are disgusted by this guy- it looks bad for him.  Oh, they definitely don’t like this guy at all- their faces show just how unimpressed they are with him.  They actually are making sour faces, and now they’re laughing at him.  Yep- he got rejected really bad, and now he’s walking away a bit flustered and red in the face.  Maybe those two women are just not in the mood to meet any men tonight, or perhaps they’re just straight up moody, or even mean.  Forget about those two- if I approach them I will definitely get the beating the other guy got.  Lemme turn my attention to the other two women instead.

Ok, I’m gonna slyly sidestep my way over to the other two, as quietly as I can.  There is enough of a crowd I can make my way within earshot and not really be noticed.  I think one of the women who made eye contact with me before just noticed me again.  Lemme get a quick look at her to see if she’s looking my direction.  Yep- we made eye contact again, but hopefully she thinks it’s random and doesn’t really notice I’m admiring her and her friends.

Now that I’m closer I can hear them chit chatting- perfect.  Let me check my Backberry and buy some time so I can think of what I’m going to say before I approach them.  I hear they’re talking about their favorite BYO in Philly, and they just mentioned a few I’ve been to several times.  I have to think of something clever to say, something catchy, or at least just introduce myself.  Ok, they’re taking a sip from their martinis, so now’s my chance to move right in: “How are you two tonight? You’re both beautiful- I just wanted to introduce myself….”

——————————————————————————————————

In part II, I will give a detailed critique of my character’s thoughts and actions to give you, the reader, valuable feedback and actionable advice.  Part II will be valuable for both men & women.

Patrick Coleman, the Philly Dating Coach, offers unique dating courses and dating advice to help single men & women in the Philadelphia area repackage themselves to maximize their chances of attracting the opposite sex and finding love.  Patrick may be reached at patrick@phillydatingcoach.com for any inquiries regarding his dating coaching programs on www.phillydatingcoach.com  Twitter: PhillyDateCoach

Get back on the horse is what you do after falling off, right?  Yes, but not immediately, not until you put some thought into your latest ‘life experiences’.  Relationships are challenging any way you want to look at them.  Hey, it took me nearly 29 years to evolve, to completely know who I am, to completely grasp what it is that makes me tick, to learn how I make decisions, to be comfortable with ‘who’ I am.  Twenty Nine years is a long time.  To learn enough about another person in about one year, if you think about it, is a really tall order, right?  So, appreciate the challenge that was handed you, and reflect on your latest relationship- it was a great Life Experience for you no matter what the result.  But if you ignore what you experienced, you will never progress.

There is always shared responsibility, if that’s what you want to call it, when a relationship doesn’t seem to work out.  Don’t start blaming anyone- take a deep breath and relax- life is about progression.  The first thing, and best thing, to do immediately after your break up is to not date for a little bit.  You want some time to think about how you might do things differently, and better, in the future.  Try to take inventory of all those times when you sensed something was wrong- maybe you were being selfish, maybe you were afraid to show your emotions, maybe you were afraid to tell the truth, or maybe you weren’t ready for a commitment?  Looking back, if you could go back in time, what could you have done differently to have made your relationship a better one?  You really want to take the time to analyze your actions first.  Then ask yourself, if you were confronted with the same situation in the future, would you have the strength to make the better decisions? 

Ok, the other person shares blame too, of course.  So think about their past actions.  What can you do in the future to better handle behavior like theirs if you see it again?  Maybe their behavior wasn’t ‘bad’ necessarily, but maybe your ex wasn’t a good communicator, or maybe your ex was very emotional, or perhaps your ex didn’t give you the attention you deserve.  Thinking about your behavior, and your ex’s behavior should really clue you in to what you’re looking for in the future!  Maybe because your past relationships weren’t very emotional people, you want to seek out people who are secure expressing emotion?!   You see, taking time to reflect gives you a chance to improve yourself, but also gives you a chance to list the qualities you want (and maybe need) in a future relationship.  So- maybe in the future you should see people who aren’t so reserved with their feelings if you’re a person who seeks affection.  Reflect, reflect, reflect.  How can you change for the better, and what qualities do you really value in a person?

I don’t recommend immediately getting back into the dating scene for another reason as well- “self-validation”.  I often see men and women, sometimes even the night of their breakup, venture out into the dating scene to find someone to ‘hook up with’.  I suppose they’re looking for immediate gratification, or immediate ‘approval’ of another when they were recently ‘rejected’ by their ex.  I can tell you first hand, that great feeling isn’t that great, and it’s short lived at best, because your ‘hookup’ is walking out the door too.  Now there’s another victim in your ended relationship.  The men and women who do this just want to feel validated by the other sex- it’s a passive way of saying “see, I’m good enough.”  Very selfish, very short-sighted, and very immature.

Post breakup it’s most important to take time to reflect on your experiences and your actions for self improvement purposes.  Think about how you might do things differently, how you might react to situations differently, and most importantly rethink ‘what’ it is you want in a person!

Patrick Coleman, the Philly Dating Coach, offers unique dating courses and dating advice to help single men & women in the Philadelphia area repackage themselves to maximize their chances of attracting the opposite sex and finding love.  Patrick may be reached at patrick@phillydatingcoach.com for any inquiries regarding his dating coaching programs on www.phillydatingcoach.com  Twitter: PhillyDateCoach

I’m afraid of sharks, and I should be too.  I’m in the ocean every week, every month, year round.  I’ve seen them swim by me, had them bump me, and even had a very close encounter with one last year- it was bad.  I was freediving, which is diving without scuba tanks, last year near Cape May in about 35 ft of water when I had a face-to-face encounter with a bull shark.  Bull sharks are the most territorial and aggressive of any shark on the planet, and the last thing I wanna see when I’m holding my breath 35ft from the surface is a bull shark.  It was my fault though, I was spearfishing his territory and had a fish, that I shot earlier, attached to my belt stringer- this bull shark wanted my fish.  Holding my breath, I turned a corner around a rock only to nearly run into the  7 ft bull.  I barely made it to the surface in time to catch my breath.  Furthermore I had to swim about 30 yards to the safety of the boat- I was panic striken.  This was one of the very few times I really felt my life was in danger- my fear of being attacked was a plausible one- this is REAL fear.  My fear of being attacked, bitten, or mauled by this shark was a legitimate one.

Now look again at that attractive woman across the room- the one you’ve had your eyes on all night.  She has sparkling eyes, a pretty smile, soft smooth skin, and long beautiful hair- do you think she’s going to attack, bite, or maul you like that bull shark really could have?  Now do you see the difference between real fear and fake fear?  Your life is never at stake when you approach a woman, you’re never going to suffer great physical harm if a woman you approach turns you down.  Where’s the risk?  It’s ENTIRELY in your head- you created risk where there isn’t any, you created danger where there is none at all.  An encounter with a bull shark when you have a bleeding fish attached to your belt 35ft under water while you’re holding your breath definitely involves great risk, and fear can legitimately enter the picture.  Fear of approaching an attractive woman because you think she might utter the words “no thank you” is ridiculous. 

So, next time you even hesitate to approach a woman, try asking yourself- would you rather take your chances talking to a beautiful woman, or be 3o yards from the safety of your boat when a hungry and agitated bull shark sees you as food?  I’ll take my chances with the beautiful woman every time!

You drive a car to work every day, and on any given day you could be involved in a bad car accident- but you don’t fear driving do you?  And driving has real consequences.  Where’s the possible harm when approaching a woman?  Where’s the possible damage done if you’re turned down when you ask her for her phone number?  Think about these things the next time you’re just thinking about approaching a woman.

Remember- every encounter you have with a new woman is just an encounter, and nothing more than that!  You don’t know her at all, she’s a perfect stranger- so why would you feel ‘rejected’ if you get turned down?  The ‘harm’ associated with a rejection can be shaken off in a matter of seconds and the fear associated with it is as fake as the damage done.  Get out there and talk to women every day, and most importantly have fun doing it!

Patrick Coleman, the Philly Dating Coach, offers unique dating courses to help single men & women in the Philadelphia area repackage themselves to maximize their chances of attracting the opposite sex and finding love.  Patrick may be reached at patrick@phillydatingcoach.com for any inquiries regarding his dating coaching programs on www.phillydatingcoach.com  Twitter: PhillyDateCoach

Let’s face it- everyone appreciates a good physique.  When people ask me how I’m able to maintain my abs year round, I always say “abs are made in the kitchen”, but that explanation is never quite enough.  So I decided to turn to a friend of mine, Ann Gruber, who’s more than qualified to answer the question in better detail.  By the way, Ann is an NPC figure competitor and an NASM nationally-certified personal trainer and nutrition consultant- so you better listen hup!  Below is an article Ann Gruber wrote just for us- enjoy!  Feel free to contact her if you’re interested in her personal training services.

It’s that time of the year again.  The weather is getting nicer, the clothes are getting skimpier and the invitations to hit the beach are already starting to come in as Memorial Day is quickly approaching.  All winter you have hid under layers of clothing, barely taking a second look in the mirror when you are getting dressed in the morning.  But now that you are faced with the likelihood of having to flaunt your midsection at the Jones’ pool party or run around on the beach playing paddleball, there is the sudden awareness that the beer gut that never went away after football season ended still hangs over your boxers.  So it is time to start working on that illusive six-pack that you see on the models in magazines.  It can’t be that hard, right?  A few crunches a night, maybe?

Think again.

            Getting your crunches in should be the least of your concerns.  My advice is you better start cleaning up the kitchen if you want to see those abs again.  Everyone has abs, it’s just the abs we actually see guys or girls sporting on the beach do not have a layer of fat covering them.  Continuing to eat a burger and fries at lunch is not going to get you the abs you see in the magazines, no matter how many crunches you do.  Eighty percent of the battle is diet.  The other twenty percent is cardio and training. 

            Diet comes down to total caloric intake.  So long as you are burning more calories in a day then you are taking in, you will start to lose body fat.  Unfortunately body fat cannot be spot-reduced.  Genetics most often comes into play with the gain and loss of body fat.  Some people tend to gain weight in their midsection first and may lose it there last.  Others gain fat in their glutes and thighs first and lose it there last.  Depending on your genetic structure, your abdominal fat may take longer to disappear than the guy next to you, so don’t get frustrated. 

            The types of calories you take in will be a huge factor.  Diets high in protein have proven successful because they supply the body with muscle-building amino acids, which will be important when trying to build that six-pack through your training.  Moderate to low carbohydrate intake will act to keep your insulin levels in check, as insulin is the prime hormone that stores body fat.  A moderate amount of healthy fats such as nuts, avocados and peanut butter are essential in order to provide the body with energy, transport fat-soluble vitamins, insulate and protect organs and even produce a greater anabolic effect in weight lifters.  Essential fatty acids have a number of benefits, but more importantly, it curbs hunger by filling you up and preventing you from overeating.

            Cardio is going to be critical.  Diet, alone, could eventually shed enough fat to allow your abs to peek through, however, cardio is going to dramatically speed up the process and allow you to chisel out your midsection by burning off that last bit of fat in order to create more definition.  Now that the weather is warm you have no excuse not to hit the streets for a 3 or 4 mile run or jump on the elliptical and crank out 30-40 minutes of cardio 3-5 days a week. 

            Finally, training your abdominals is necessary in order to build and tighten your core.  Some great ideas for abdominal exercises included using stability balls for crunches and leg raises, crunches on a decline bench, hanging leg raises, cable rope crunches and weighted abdominal twists.  Isometric contraction exercises are excellent core-strengthening moves as well, which involve contracting your core muscles for extended periods of time.  One such isometric exercise would be performing the plank along with several variations of it.  In addition, simply flexing your abs and holding the contraction for several seconds.  Then relaxing and repeating.  Creating a strong core not only will assist in building up that six-pack you desire, but will also reduce lower back pain.  The core is the foundation of the body and is relied on when performing a variety of exercises, particularly those done on leg day. 

So throw out the chips and ice cream, download a new play list on your iPod for your morning run and get moving because summer is right around the corner and your abs can be too. 

 Ann Gruber, NASM certified personal trainer, anngruber@comcast.net   267- 982-1233

www.anngruber.com

If you would like a dedicated personal trainer- I would HIGHLY recommend you give Ann Gruber a call.  She lives and works in the Philadelphia area- be sure to tell her I sent you!

Answer this honestly- how many times have you slowly inched your way towards an attractive woman you’ve had your eye on all night, hoping to sneak into her field of view, so you can then slyly initiate an encounter?   Guys, I’ve watched men ‘position’ themselves all night, jockey themselves near the woman they would like to meet by moving stealthily through the crowded room.  You know what a lot of these kind of guys end up doing- staring.  You know what women think of this if they notice you- you’re creepy.  Here’s a though for you: Would Clint Eastwood hide behind crowds of people to sneak up on a woman, or would he just directly approach her?  Women want a masculine, confident, secure man- think of how your actions speak about your confidence, your masculinity, your security.   I teach my female clients to walk the room to take inventory of the men in the room; then I teach them to position themselves in a neutral territory close to the men they’re attracted to so they can entice the men to approach them.  If you’re sneaking around the room, looking to position yourself near an attractive woman with the hopes she’ll reach out to you- you’re exhibiting a lot of feminine traits.  Women are looking for the man with a winner’s attitude, a man who exudes the kind of bullet proof confidence that says nothing will deter him.   Think of your Hollywood tough guy, think of MMA tough guy Chuck Liddel- imagine how they walk, how they approach a woman- directly with chin up, with confidence.   You don’t have to look like Brad Pitt, or be a tough guy like Chuck Liddel- women just want a man who knows himself, who’s secure, authentic, and confident.  If you put yourself in those ‘comfort places’ I mentioned in my past blogs, you’ll naturally exude confidence, rather than attempt to fake it.

Your talk- listen to how you talk.  Listen to your inflection.  Does it sound like you’re begging?  Is your tone really soft and unauthoritative?  Are you talking with women in the same tone you speak to your 8 yr old niece? If you approach a woman only to use baby talk, or use a lighter non-threatening tone (Mr. Rogers), she might not take you very seriously.  All people respond to someone using a confident and authoritative tone.  Ok, here’s an example from television.   My girlfriend watches the Biggest Loser on tv, and naturally I’m roped into watching it with her, but I enjoy it nonetheless- it’s great to see people overcome their biggest hurdles.  Anyway, there are two trainers on the show in charge of whipping the contestants into shape.  There’s a guy named Bob, and a female trainer named Jillian.  If I had to pick a trainer, I’d have to go with Jillian. Why? Because she is unwavering, dedicated, and she walks the gym like a commanding general.  She doesn’t hesitate to dole out some punishment, and she’s not overly sensitive to the contestants cries for help- she pities nobody.  If anyone was looking for sympathy, they’d more likely go to Bob- a more sensitive and emotionally swayed man.  When Jillian speaks, everyone listens- you can sense the passion and the seriousness in her voice- she a voice of authority.  Sorry I had to pick a woman to demonstrate this, guys, but many men are taking on some female qualities.   The bottom line is, people respond to confident people, men or women- you can see confidence in their walk, and can sense it in their tone of voice.  Be a general, be a Clint Eastwood, be Chuck Liddel- women will respond to you, and people will respond to you, especially in business.  Guys, remember- women are in the business world and many of them dominate it.  They know what confidence is because many of them have leadership positions- they can smell a fake a mile away too. 

Here’s an extreme example of attitude and confidence- it’s a clip from the movie Glengarry Glen Ross.  Alec Baldwin plays the role of a Real Estate guru in the 80’s, and he has big time attitude, and a lot of confidence (maybe too much? You decide).  Many sales professionals take offense to this video, but remember it’s all Hollywood.  Enjoy the clip- just learn what ‘confidence’ looks like, and what it might mean to be egotistical.  (Movie clip is not safe for work- contains lewd language)  Again, it’s an extreme example: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y-AXTx4PcKI  No matter what you think of Baldwin’s character, understand this: he is being authentic, he is being himself, and he is secure with his place in life- at least he’s not pretending to be confident.  Which women would like his character is another question entirely.

Patrick Coleman, the Philly Dating Coach, offers unique dating courses to help single men & women in the Philadelphia area repackage themselves to maximize their chances of attracting the opposite sex and finding love.  Patrick may be reached at patrick@phillydatingcoach.com for any inquiries regarding his dating coaching programs on www.phillydatingcoach.com  Twitter: PhillyDateCoach