I feel that too many singles out in the social scene try very hard to ’sell’ themselves: they talk about their professional credentials, their physical prowess, their past accomplishments, what car they drive and other mundane things.  I suppose the idea here is to establish immediate credibility by proving your worthiness, and that laundry list of accolades is somehow supposed to accomplish this.  At the end of the one-way conversation, what do you really know about the other person if you’ve been doing all the talking?

Think about this: How do you feel when someone asks you questions about yourself, your opinions, and experiences?  I bet it makes you feel like the other person is very interested in knowing who you are as a person.  Everyone has different life experiences, therefore we all have varying opinions, emotions and decision making processes- this is what’s beautiful about people- the diversity.  Capture someone’s complete attention by keeping eye contact, leaning slightly forward, and asking them questions about their life because you really are interested.  Aren’t you?  If you’re more interested in talking about yourself, pay someone to listen, because it reeks of egotism and selfishness.

The worst that will happen is that you will connect with a new person.  A connection happens when you engage the other person’s senses, and more importantly their mind.  The other person will see you as being very polite, attentive and respectful because you ignored all things “you” to learn about them.  Furthermore, all your questions will help you truly understand more about that person- don’t you want to know if they have the qualities you’re looking for?

The best way to engage another person is to ask them questions, lots of them.  What if I told you there a 1 to 1 ratio between questions asked and building trust? It’s true.  Try to do as little talking as possible, and do more listening- you will have their complete attention by doing this- you want this too, right?  Let’s take this further.  Forget about all the ‘typical’ questions you always hear and use.  Try this- think of ten really provocative and unique questions to ask someone.  Remember you want these questions to be “open ended” which means they can’t answer with a ‘yes’ or ‘no’, but have to give you a full answer.  Start with words like How, When, or “tell me why…”   Use these tips the next time you’re in a social environment and see how much you learn about the other person- also note how engaged the other person is when you’re listening!

Patrick Coleman, President and Head Dating Coach of www.PhillyDatingCoach.com is passionate about coaching singles looking to improve their communication and dating skills to find true love.  Patrick may be reached at patrick@phillydatingcoach.com for any inquiries regarding his coaching programs in the Philadelphia and surrounding areas.