A lot of men come to me with the lofty expectation I can transform them into a smooth talking ladies man.  Two men even recently steered me to some pickup videos posted on YouTube and a few from some other dating coach’s website.   “What would it take for me to be just like that guy, the guy in the video?” they ask me.  Honestly, I probably could coach them to ‘act’ like these pickup artists, and be successful tricking women into a night out, or a short term relationship- but that’s not what I do, nor would it help my clients.

Guys, what you need to understand is that I don’t want to change WHO you are.  I want to help you improve your overall communication and behavioral skills, so you can better represent the authentic you to women.  I want to help repackage the real you, so you can get through the approach anxiety and awkward first conversations and dates.  Even if I did have some silver bullet pickup lines that could get you any woman you wanted on your first encounter, what would you do on your first date?  What would you talk about?  How long can you go pretending to be the “guy in the video” until she ultimately learns who you really are?  Can you really pretend to be someone you’re not for more than an hour?

I understand that all men want a beautiful woman, the swimsuit model- let’s agree on this.  What men truly need is the most attractive woman they can find who can accept them for who they really are.  When I talk about confidence being an aphrodisiac, I didn’t mean ‘pretending’ to be confident.  Confidence comes from acceptance of who you are from within.  An authentic and confident man may be a Star Wars geek, but he’ll embrace it, and be it.  This is all I’m asking you to be- Be You: own it, live it, embrace it.  Why would any dating coach, or role model for that matter, ask you to change who you are, or what you enjoy?  The moment you’re directed to be someone you’re not, you become an actor, a fraud.  And guess what- you’re not going to be comfortable, confident, or authentic pretending to be someone you’re not.   If you’re not comfortable when you approach a woman, your body language will definitely show it- she’ll see you’re uncomfortable and then she becomes uncomfortable.  Nobody wins.

Learn to embrace who you are- you never know what the woman in front of you finds interesting anyway.  I have a childhood friend who has been obsessed with Kung-Fu movies, and he’s been this way for as long as I’ve known him.  It’s just one of his quirky interests.  He’s been such a fanatic for so long, he can barely go a day without citing a movie.  Funny enough, he met a drop dead gorgeous woman when he was out one night, and it just so happens she was a black belt in one of those martial arts I can’t pronounce.  Long story short- they both connected because they shared a passion, well sort of anyway.  He didn’t approach her with a cheesy pickup line, but he did use his powers of observation to initiate a conversation about her necklace which somehow hinted to her martial arts background. 

If you want to be “smooth”, learn to brush up on your communication skills, and try to control your body language.  This takes practice- a lot of practice.  Even I practice approaching people everyday no matter where I go.  But no matter what I practice, I don’t change who I am.  I don’t say, act or do anything out of character.  You can learn to overcome anxiety, and improve your conversation skills without compromising your personal integrity.

Patrick Coleman, President of Philly Dating Coach, offers unique dating courses to help single men & women in the Philadelphia area repackage themselves to maximize their chances of attracting the opposite sex and finding love.  Patrick may be reached at patrick@phillydatingcoach.com for any inquiries regarding his dating coaching programs on www.phillydatingcoach.com  Please email him with any blog requests.